Dating with intent: say what you’re looking for

“So, what are you looking for?”

It’s one of the most important questions in dating, and one of the most avoided. People leave it for the third date, or the third month, or never ask at all, and then find out they wanted completely different things.

On Amara, we ask it at the start. Everyone chooses an intent when they set up their profile, and it’s shown on their profile for everyone to see.

The four intents

Intent	What it means
Something serious	Looking for a committed relationship.
Open to see	Dating and seeing where it goes.
Short-term fun	Fun and casual, no pressure.
New friends	Meeting new people as friends.

There’s no right answer. Someone who has just moved to Abuja for work and wants to meet people is in a very different place from someone who is ready to settle down, and both deserve to find what they want. Short-term fun is honest too, as long as you’re clear about it.

How your intent shapes who you see

Your intent isn’t just a label. It changes who we show you:

• People with the same intent rank highest. If you’re looking for something serious, we put other people looking for something serious first.
• “Open to see” sits in the middle. It fits reasonably with every other intent.
• You can choose which intents you want to see. In your discovery settings, you can limit your matches to certain intents, or leave it open to everyone. Their settings count too: you’ll only see people whose own choices include you.
• New friends and Short-term fun are kept apart. People looking for one aren’t shown to people looking for the other, unless they choose each other in their discovery settings.

So the more honest you are, the better your matches will be.

Why being clear is kind

It can feel risky to say you want something serious. What if it scares people away? What if it sounds desperate?

Here’s another way to see it: being clear is a kindness, to yourself and to the other person. It saves you both weeks of guessing, and it means the people who match with you have already said they want something similar. That is a much better start than hoping.

The same is true the other way round. If you’re not ready for a relationship, saying “New friends”, “Short-term fun” or “Open to see” is honest and respectful. Nobody gets misled.

Your intent can change

Life changes, and so can what you want. You can change your intent at any time in your profile. If you’ve met someone and want to step back for a while, you can also pause your profile: you’ll be hidden from discovery but keep your matches and conversations.

Talking about it in chat

Your intent starts the conversation, but it doesn’t finish it. “Something serious” can mean different things to different people. A few gentle questions that help:

• “What does a good relationship look like to you?”
• “What are you hoping to find on here?”
• “Where do you see yourself in a couple of years?”
• “What matters most to you in a partner?”

Our profile prompts can help too. Answers to “The green flag I look for is…” or “My ideal first date is…” often say more about what someone wants than any label.

And if someone’s intent and their behaviour don’t match, for example they say “Something serious” but only want to talk late at night and never meet, it’s fine to trust what they do over what they say.

A note on pressure

Knowing what you want doesn’t mean rushing. Someone who wants something serious still deserves time to get to know you, and so do you. Respect works both ways: say what you want, listen to what they want, and if it doesn’t fit, wish them well and move on.

That’s dating with intent. Love, with grace.